DO I REALLY KNOW YOU…….???

This evening has been a sort of revelation for me in more ways than one, for the first time ever I began actually analyzing our relationship &truly wondering what is it there that actually brings us together? Or is there anything there in the first place, though known you so long ,long enough to say I barely know you at all it feels as though we are complete strangers to each other why I wonder…..
Why is that we failed to acknowledge each others hidden talents and yet to the outside world its so evident that we are “apparently so talented”, why is it that we never spoke about our hidden fears, our dreams to each other (not once I can remember…) come to think of it honestly very rare few occasions we actually spent quality time getting to know each other….. and yet we still don’t know each other.
There’s a lot that I never knew about you, but today after interacting with your closest circle I feel as though I am suddenly discovering the real “U” ,I am let into your private space ,your little cocoon after all these years yet there’s sooo much there I still need to figure hard though it is…. I really want to know who the real you is , I keep asking myself this I loved you all along (still do and will always no matter what) but the fact that you just shut me out completely all these years WHY? Is killing me come to think of it I haven’t been any better have I , yes we both know how much we mean to each other but other than those rare few occasions never been to vocal or even expressive about it why I really wonder? Not once did I let you in (well there were times I really wanted to but was just to scared …scared of the fact that you may never understand …. Scared of the fact that you would just let go ) I tried hard each time only to manage convincing myself that its not worth it ,each time I yearned for your company your love and affection most of all yearned for the acknowledgement that you cared and would always be supportive no matter what but ……
Hell things were a lot different in reality you were always judgmental of me and believe me that hurts and still pains me to date , you simply would never listen and always belittle my accomplishments ,what do I do then?? Every time I tried hard to get to know you better all you did was push me further away, there came a point where I truly hated the fact that I still loved you and couldn’t do anything about it …
I then decided to never let you in my world my private space as a result we gradually grew apart and became these two complete strangers who would meet regularly during the holidays that’s about it, two strangers who would share greetings and exchange pleasantries but beyond there was this cold war that existed where we barely spoke (other than the bare minimum…. Strange but true and its carried on up until now)
It never bothered me until now I honestly didn’t care (always thought was better this way rather than getting into each other’s way but today as I look back I begin to question myself is it truly worth it……) we have lost out on so much, so many precious years of our life so may treasured moments and memories that will never come back we have lost so much …..most of all lost the basic essence of our relationship will it ever be the same again?? What went wrong?i really don’t know ,even as I write this I wonder when will these barriers break (will it ever break…..) I still cant believe that we both live this dual personality farce to each other we seem different and we are different in our world , why and when did this happen?? I wish we could just be ……wish I could just pick up the phone right now this very moment and say “hell I miss you like crazy…..you mean the world to me and that have had some real hard times and really need you ………..”just could go on and on…but would that really be possible ever?
Hmmmmm its weird,crazy, complicated most of all I just am trying to figure things out ….i wish you were never that pushy and dominating (yes you are!) you fail to realize or even see me for the different person I am would really appreciate it if you accepted me that way if only you did……..as for me you never gave me a chance to come In did you? it was always about you and you alone ,you just had to have a say always ……, things are only getting from bad to worse I still love you and I know you do to but its not helping cause we still don’t see eye to eye most of all you still think of me as some really immature creature and make decisions for me why?? Cant you just let me be … I have come this far I promise I can manage just let me be I wish we realized how much we lost out on and try to mend things …..for now am still wondering and questioning myself did I ever know you at all???? I truly wish I knew the answer to this one do you have an answer ….

AM I REALLY GOOD ENOUGH TO BE HERE ……..??

The last 5 years spent in Xavier’s I truly wonder am I really good enough to be here amongst all these superbly talented people , they seem to know it all from photography to abstract art to theater to music and much more ….. The list is truly endless.Most of all they all just seem to fit or should I say blend in beautifully with the whole xavierite atmosphere, I then do wonder where do I stand? The whole magical bubble of Xavier’s feel ceases to exist and I feel like a non existent soul.I mean am not particularly great at anything and even though seem like an extrovert I take my own time to warm up to people , I do like socializing but then again am no big party animal and love my “me” time . I am just another one of those ordinary nameless faces walking on this face of the earth is how I always perceived myself to be ……..Having spent 5 years in Xavier’s and on the verge of graduating I cannot say I have suddenly discovered the “talented me” or can I say that I have the most awesome time volunteering for the various fests neither could I say I went on to become the most happening or the coolest known face on campus but what I can definitely say is I learnt something really wonderful here , that we for one are not just mere ordinary people we all are special and unique in our own little ways ,that I may not be exceptional in music or photography but I definitely can be exceptional human being ( I don’t know about being exceptional human being but yes Xavier’s definitely brought alive the humane side in me ) I don’t know about public speaking I do get nervous but what Xavier’s did teach me was to speak passionately about something that matters and you know you can definitely make a difference , It didn’t teach me to be successful it molded me through my mistakes and past experiences to be the person I am , It definitely did not teach me to be passive learner it taught me the most important thing of all the beauty of questioning and the power to reason . It taught me that creativity without action isn’t much of an achievement and most of all it taught me to dream.Personally having literally grown in the last 5 years in those beautiful gothic structures, I still am yet to figure where I go from here , find my calling and as I spread my wings to fly away for the one last time I look back at those huge arches, those stairways ,foyer ,woods bidding adieu for the one last time am off still asking myself where do I fit in or am I good enough ……as I fly away further into the soaring skies I begin to realize that the journey has only just become we still have a long way to go .