TO YOU......

You breezed into my life one Fine summery Morning ,through the casual pleasantries and numbers exchanged not once did I have the faintest idea that one day this very soul would be the reason for me to be writing this note...

Through the grueling excruciating summers ,when everything else ceases to exist you were a lease of life (quite literally) ,you taught me look beyond the dark barren parched lands...you taught me to smile more like you became the reason for more like you become the reason for me to smile again...

as time passed with each day I got to know you a little more or so i Thought, but you still are a mystery to me as for me you instantly read my mind, even without saying much...gradually before I knew it I was falling for you, you made me feel loved ,wanted and most importantly secure again....

As I grow immensely attached and fond of you, I hate the fact that I have no control over this..I hate the fact that you still care about her...That she still matters to you...hate the fact that you are as clueless as I am where this is headed...I hate the fact that you will be leaving in a few months...I hate to think of not having you around...hate to think of just missing you....

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close?
Not even a little bit?
Not even at all……..

Long Endless Summer.....

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die.....

Lonesome, Lonely, lost,teary eyed,....all that and much more that's nearly what I currently feel. The last few days haven’t been easy biding adieus, final goodbyes, farewell parties, the last minute catching, revisiting old memories. Yes the crazy never ending packing. For a moment or two it did feel like as if, it was I who was leaving and going to some alien land.... But well it wasn't me more like a close circle of friends who are well leaving, some going to different cities, and some leaving the country all together. Some go in search of work, while for few others it’s the academic calling, while for few others its just another traveling spree hoping to connect with their souls and explore a whole new side to their personalities, while for some they have no say as such as they oft migrating literally to different shores. Whatever be the reason the emptyness...The feeling of vacuum always remains the same. Whether its me or my loved ones leaving the pain, the anguish and numb feeling of seeing packed bags...,empty homes, cheerful smiles replaced by moist eyes and choked emotions
goodbyes to all the merry days, non stop chatter, endless summer fun....goodbye!!
will miss you guys a lot ...hopefully all those bittersweet memories shared shall remain ...or well just might be replaced by newer ones, newer people, many more stories, many more lives, million more moments to live and treasure each day good luck to each one of us and literally a new beginning cheers :)) Indeed the summer has come to an end...

DO I REALLY KNOW YOU…….???

This evening has been a sort of revelation for me in more ways than one, for the first time ever I began actually analyzing our relationship &truly wondering what is it there that actually brings us together? Or is there anything there in the first place, though known you so long ,long enough to say I barely know you at all it feels as though we are complete strangers to each other why I wonder…..
Why is that we failed to acknowledge each others hidden talents and yet to the outside world its so evident that we are “apparently so talented”, why is it that we never spoke about our hidden fears, our dreams to each other (not once I can remember…) come to think of it honestly very rare few occasions we actually spent quality time getting to know each other….. and yet we still don’t know each other.
There’s a lot that I never knew about you, but today after interacting with your closest circle I feel as though I am suddenly discovering the real “U” ,I am let into your private space ,your little cocoon after all these years yet there’s sooo much there I still need to figure hard though it is…. I really want to know who the real you is , I keep asking myself this I loved you all along (still do and will always no matter what) but the fact that you just shut me out completely all these years WHY? Is killing me come to think of it I haven’t been any better have I , yes we both know how much we mean to each other but other than those rare few occasions never been to vocal or even expressive about it why I really wonder? Not once did I let you in (well there were times I really wanted to but was just to scared …scared of the fact that you may never understand …. Scared of the fact that you would just let go ) I tried hard each time only to manage convincing myself that its not worth it ,each time I yearned for your company your love and affection most of all yearned for the acknowledgement that you cared and would always be supportive no matter what but ……
Hell things were a lot different in reality you were always judgmental of me and believe me that hurts and still pains me to date , you simply would never listen and always belittle my accomplishments ,what do I do then?? Every time I tried hard to get to know you better all you did was push me further away, there came a point where I truly hated the fact that I still loved you and couldn’t do anything about it …
I then decided to never let you in my world my private space as a result we gradually grew apart and became these two complete strangers who would meet regularly during the holidays that’s about it, two strangers who would share greetings and exchange pleasantries but beyond there was this cold war that existed where we barely spoke (other than the bare minimum…. Strange but true and its carried on up until now)
It never bothered me until now I honestly didn’t care (always thought was better this way rather than getting into each other’s way but today as I look back I begin to question myself is it truly worth it……) we have lost out on so much, so many precious years of our life so may treasured moments and memories that will never come back we have lost so much …..most of all lost the basic essence of our relationship will it ever be the same again?? What went wrong?i really don’t know ,even as I write this I wonder when will these barriers break (will it ever break…..) I still cant believe that we both live this dual personality farce to each other we seem different and we are different in our world , why and when did this happen?? I wish we could just be ……wish I could just pick up the phone right now this very moment and say “hell I miss you like crazy…..you mean the world to me and that have had some real hard times and really need you ………..”just could go on and on…but would that really be possible ever?
Hmmmmm its weird,crazy, complicated most of all I just am trying to figure things out ….i wish you were never that pushy and dominating (yes you are!) you fail to realize or even see me for the different person I am would really appreciate it if you accepted me that way if only you did……..as for me you never gave me a chance to come In did you? it was always about you and you alone ,you just had to have a say always ……, things are only getting from bad to worse I still love you and I know you do to but its not helping cause we still don’t see eye to eye most of all you still think of me as some really immature creature and make decisions for me why?? Cant you just let me be … I have come this far I promise I can manage just let me be I wish we realized how much we lost out on and try to mend things …..for now am still wondering and questioning myself did I ever know you at all???? I truly wish I knew the answer to this one do you have an answer ….

AM I REALLY GOOD ENOUGH TO BE HERE ……..??

The last 5 years spent in Xavier’s I truly wonder am I really good enough to be here amongst all these superbly talented people , they seem to know it all from photography to abstract art to theater to music and much more ….. The list is truly endless.Most of all they all just seem to fit or should I say blend in beautifully with the whole xavierite atmosphere, I then do wonder where do I stand? The whole magical bubble of Xavier’s feel ceases to exist and I feel like a non existent soul.I mean am not particularly great at anything and even though seem like an extrovert I take my own time to warm up to people , I do like socializing but then again am no big party animal and love my “me” time . I am just another one of those ordinary nameless faces walking on this face of the earth is how I always perceived myself to be ……..Having spent 5 years in Xavier’s and on the verge of graduating I cannot say I have suddenly discovered the “talented me” or can I say that I have the most awesome time volunteering for the various fests neither could I say I went on to become the most happening or the coolest known face on campus but what I can definitely say is I learnt something really wonderful here , that we for one are not just mere ordinary people we all are special and unique in our own little ways ,that I may not be exceptional in music or photography but I definitely can be exceptional human being ( I don’t know about being exceptional human being but yes Xavier’s definitely brought alive the humane side in me ) I don’t know about public speaking I do get nervous but what Xavier’s did teach me was to speak passionately about something that matters and you know you can definitely make a difference , It didn’t teach me to be successful it molded me through my mistakes and past experiences to be the person I am , It definitely did not teach me to be passive learner it taught me the most important thing of all the beauty of questioning and the power to reason . It taught me that creativity without action isn’t much of an achievement and most of all it taught me to dream.Personally having literally grown in the last 5 years in those beautiful gothic structures, I still am yet to figure where I go from here , find my calling and as I spread my wings to fly away for the one last time I look back at those huge arches, those stairways ,foyer ,woods bidding adieu for the one last time am off still asking myself where do I fit in or am I good enough ……as I fly away further into the soaring skies I begin to realize that the journey has only just become we still have a long way to go .

IS TERROR HERE TO STAY?

Its been nearly a week now since the city was under the terror seize last Wednesday, the ordeal continued for good 60 hrs the media went all out giving “exclusive” live coverage and minute details, the way these 10 terrorists went about their attack, their route, the gore bloodbath, eyewitness accounts, we have been through it all for the last few days.
Almost everyone debating or voicing their opinions lapse in security, inadequacy on behalf of the police force in tackling terror and just how incompetent our politicians are ……..But amidst all this huge outcry and uproar we seem top have forgotten to tackle the main issues –“terrorism” all we seem or rather pretend to do is talk about it at a very surface level not one person or channel in the last few days has actually gone onto truly analyze the real reasons behind what’s happening and what’s even more frightening is the various gruesome ,hateful , violent conclusion many are coming some of which even go on to proclaim bombing Pakistan entirely , its scary to think of how people are now drawing to such conclusions and equating all of Pakistan to terrorist ,agreed we do have evidence to show and prove that these terrorist came from Karachi but does that mean the whole state is terrorist breeding ground? Where are we headed?? That’s rather ironic cause in our country itself we do have so many “extremists” who have caused the very same amount of pain and anguish what with the babri masjid, godhra (many of whom are yet to be booked and those who have been booked nothing much has really happened there….) but does that really make us the “entire “ nation an “extremist” “radical” nation that I doubt also the second thing that’s nearly eating into me right now is that why hasn’t anyone out there for once actually thought of analysing the recent raise in terror attacks as a developmental crisis why doesn’t anyone see it as a problem of inequity,
A problem of lack of opportunities, why is that we fail to see it as normal people (like you and me) pushed onto the brink of exploitation ,where the disparity between the classes seems to be widening with each passing day and there just no way out look at what green revolution did in our very own country ? in Punjab with the coming of green revolution the richer became richer and the poorer became poorer ,there was this increased level of frustration among the masses which obviously was channelized through the
Medium of terrorism ,look at north east ,Jammu and Kashmir the increasing insurgency , its later then that is giving a fundamentalist or a fanatic outlook (but the core issues remains the same that people take to it initially because of the appalling conditions of inequity ) , I personally don’t know how having better security is going to help cause honestly these kind of terrorist activity that we saw in Mumbai was high end command sort of technique never used before ,yes better security can definitely be used as a preventive measure but relying on it completely to do away with any such further attacks that I doubt will actually happen as long as we continue leaving in this globalized world ,where development is a part of this gobalized reality we will continue facing terror attacks only if we realize soon enough and awaken ourselves to the growing inequity and hopefully work towards finding a solution we just might be able to combat terror but finding that solution is never to easy but then again its not all that difficult either if only we make a start today if only……..

SOMETHING JUST DIED IN ME FOREVER…….

Terror strikes again that’s what almost all news channels and papers read ,loud and clear .But honestly why doesn’t it surprise me anymore, why don’t I feel scared ? why I have just failed to react to these headlines .
I guess people normally react in a certain way when they are confronted with a particular situation or scenario for the first time and they hope that their so called “reaction” would have an positive effect and even help in normalizing things soon enough but what does one did or how does one react when they are quiet literally “bomb arded” from all sides ,what with all the reassurances of security given continuously by our men in power, these long drawn debates held on the implementation of various laws or who is actually at fault (which quiet often just ends up in being yet another blame game wherein political parties use this as an excellent platform to bring out their personal prejudices ) or even the whole nation for that matter commending and applauding the so called Mumbai spirit (what Mumbai spirit I yet fail to understand ,when you have hungry mouths waiting to be fed ailing parents and bills to be paid do you have choice but just battle all odds and go to work, knowing very well that you just may not return and could very well be your last day but then only you know that you don’t have much of choice its more of question of choosing between the devil &the deep blue sea , but who is to understand your plight ? ) its all a dam farce , we have been through it before have lived through this ordeal and know very well that with tomorrow being yet another new day with even more interesting and happening news to feed on ,the so called “trauma” “plight” of the people so easily forgotten as though it never really happened .
Its only for people like us who have to continue fighting this battle all on our own ,I shudder to think that I could have been one of those dead out there that is the entire stretch that I use daily the same platform ,the very same cst-metro road ,colaba the paradise for collegians like us when it comes to flee market shopping its scary to just think what if I was there ……..
I just cannot stop going to these places, but things definitely would have changed for one I longer care a dam ,fail to react just about become numb as though some part of me dead forever and well carry my rosary around hoping that just in case I do fall prey to one of these attacks all I am hoping is that someone who does find my dead body does give me a decent burial .

THE DELUSION OF EVOLUTION:

According to Charles Darwin, we all have evolved from the early apes to the current living beings we are today .In fact we have have empirical evidence to prove the fact that we have actually evolved .
Taking from this biological theory of evolution we have many social scientists and theorists who have applied the same perspective to various other social sciences i.e. used this theory of biological evolution to explain the social evolution of human species, they have tried to state that we all have evolved from the primitive to current stage of the civilized human being.
What’s really interesting to note then is that although we consider ourselves this superior species that are more civilized than the others, we certainly do not behave in a civilized manner, do we??
We have gone on to label or brand certain communities as primitive, savages, barbaric, backward (for e.g. the various tribal communities across the globe or even for that matter the third world nations) and we do take certain pride in calling ourselves the more modern civilized group from the rest (its been happening all along, all throughout history and its still continuing).
But what I seriously fail to understand is how do we really rate ourselves to be modern or the so called “civilized” is just because we are more techno savvy, given into the evils of industrialization and the chaotic process of urbanization that follows ? How do we really rate being modern on what barometers,does aping the western model of civilization mean we are more modern? For all you know the so called primitive societies may not follow our ways and means of modernization but does that really make them lesser civilized than us? That I doubt take a look around ,our modern ways of modernization doing us more harm than good look at the damage we doing to our environment (the freak weather changes, global warming …) and we just don’t seem to care instead we are producing nano cars which are to hit the markets soon.
That apart for all our talks on how very civilized we are , we indeed are more barbaric than the most so called primitive, savage societies what with wars ,violence ,riots ,crime all staring at us in our face .
Yet we take pride in calling ourselves civilized simply because we believe we are much more modern and developed from the rest , at a time when development is also the main cause of concern bringing along with it various other core issues like displacement ,poverty, hunger does just having a high GDP rate mean we really developed and is it then proof enough to say we are much more civilized ?
This trend is indeed alarming and its high time we take note before its to late ,yes we might have come a long way biologically (like Darwin says) but when it comes to socially speaking we still have a long way to go before we actually call ourselves evolved .